A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN UMBRELLA BIOWEAPON
by LanceChristophr
Summary: Mostly based on RE3, only from the minds of the monsters. ALSO:: THE REAL REASON NEMESIS SAYS "STARSSS"!!! a must read. ( ( Characters and creatures created by Capcom ) )


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Resident Evil: A Day in the Life of an Umbrella BioWeapon

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(( I don't own any of the Resident Evil characters and/or creatures.......... ))

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It was a lonely day in Raccoon City. Partially eaten corpses lay dead across the streets. 

_Man, life as a zombie sucks ass_

The zombie arose from the chair and walked around the streets. "Ugh." He cried. He walked, and he walked, and he walked. "Ugh." the sound of a female zombie could be heard coming from just down the road. He attempted to run, but as soon as he started, his left leg fell off.

_Damn it, not again_

He picked up his leg and jammed it back on.

_There, that's better._

He figured he'd be safer if he just walked. He walked, and it turned into a fast walk. "Ugh." she was closer, and he knew it. He made it to the corner of the warehouse building and there it lay, a tall female zombie lying down in the middle of the road. The male zombie's eyes opened wide, and a grin spread across his face. He stretched out his arms and made his way towards the zombie goddess. "Ugh." He said again. The zombie stopped at the feet of the female. "Ugh." She let out. "Ugh, hum." he said clearing his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, and in a British tone of voice he said "Ugh, ugh ugh, Ugh-ugh. Ugh Ugh," he paused. "Ugh?" She looked up at him with undying eyes and replied, "Ugh, Ughh"

_What the hell, she doesn't want to have sex!! I better call the president of the ZAHT (Zombies Are Humans Too) foundation. _

The zombie took out a phone from his pocket and dialed in several numbers, an echoed *~beep~* following each digit. "Ugh." he paused, obviously listening to the voice on the other end. "Ugh," he sighed, he took the phone away from the hole in his head where his ear once was, and pressed a number. "Ugh. Ugh-huh." *~click~* the phone went when he shut it off.

_Good, the Nemesis says I should just rape the bitch._

He was ready to pounce when all of a sudden *~BOOM~* went a shotgun from behind him. Blood splattered all over the female zombie. She tilted her head slightly upward to see a tall, beautiful fox standing there. She had a _tight_ blue holster top on, and a really _tight_ black skirt. "Damn fucks." the woman blurted out. 

The female zombie couldn't help but think, _bastard almost raped me, isn't it obvious I'm a lesbian?......_

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Ten Minutes Later.....

Nemesis hung up his small, blue cell phone and placed it into one of his trench coat's many pockets.

_Damn freaks, why did I ever have to start that damn zombie clique!?_

He let out a sigh and stomped around the rooftop of the RPD building. His phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and shoved it down. "Jill, Ow!" A weary males voice could be heard. He looked over the rooftop and saw a man in a yellow vest clutching his arm, the phone had hit him there. "Brad, are you oka--" A sexy woman started, but was cut off by the thud.

_Finally, something to do._

The Nemesis picked up this "Brad" and released one of his tentacles out and impaled this "Brad" in the face. The woman let out an unenthusiastic sigh, apparently trying to _act_ sad that this "Brad" was now dead. Nemesis looked over his shoulder and immediately directed his head for the woman's chest. "STARSSS." he let out.

_Stars indeed, look at how perky they are!!!!_

He dropped the sad excuse for a human, made his way towards the woman's chest, a wide grin spread across his face. She raised her machine gun and opened fire on Nemesis.

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Ow! That hurts, but it's worth it for the. . . . . .

"STARSSS." he let out again. She ceased fire and ran for the doors.

_No, don't make 'em leave me!!!_

He was too late. She had already made it inside. A single tear slid down his face. He ran towards the doors and began to bang them out of sadness. "STARSSS." He said quietly as he cried, and continued to bang.

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Ten minutes later.......

*~Tap tap tap~*

A single drain deimo was practicing his tap dance in the middle of a construction site. 

_Lalalalalala_

He was having so much fun. "Roar!!!" a cry came.

_Oh, yay, Martha's here to practice with me._

Another drain deimo walked around on the wall. She jumped down and stood right next to him. "Roar, roar, roar, roar." In unison they began tapping the same moves. 

*~squeak, bam~* a door opened and closed. Somehow, the two deimo's looked at each other and smiled. (?)

_Finally an audience!!_

A tall slender woman walked around the corner and stopped. She stared at the two deimo's. "Roar, roar, roar, roar." Again, in unison they began dancing. *~Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap~* They stopped, one arm/claw in the air.

_I wonder what she thought!!?_

They smiled. She raised a machine gun and began firing.

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Thirty Minutes Later...........

*~SLAM~*

Nemesis pounced on top of the yellow and red train car. He could smell the same fine woman from the RPD building. He held a single rose in his hand. "STARSSS." Nemesis pictured the woman.

_Ahh!_

He decided that he should probably make his entrance somewhat soon, when just then the train car began to move. 

_Huh?_

He jumped up and slammed into the train car, bursting through the roof. He stood there, in front of a man in a greenish vest. 

_Huh?_

"Aaahh!" the man cried. Nemesis got really mad that the woman wasn't there. He threw the rose at the man and became very sad. "Oh no, not again." he heard the woman of his dreams say. "STARSSS." an enlightened Nemesis called out. He turned around and smiled, again. "Just let the car go, I'm done for anyway." Said the man in the green vest. The woman did as she was told and the car drove away. "STARSSS!!!!" the Nemesis cried for his stars. He turned his attention back to the man. He held a grenade in his hand. Come and get me he said. A very sad Nemesis jumped back through the roof. 

The man was in shock. He was very ecstatic that he was alive. Although he had an injured leg, he did a victory dance. The grenade was thrown from his hand. He stopped and watched it land on the ground. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" echoed the man. The Nemesis looked back at the train car as it exploded. He turned his attention back to the tracks, and made his way after his stars.

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Ten minutes later.......

The spider made its way around the clock tower. 

_When the hell is Martha going to get here to give me my tap dance lessons!?_

The main entrance to the clock tower opened.

_Finally!_

Instead of her drain deimo friend a couple walked in. A Hispanic in a green vest and a woman in a blue shirt and black skirt. 

_Damn it!_

The spider walked around the roof keeping a close eye on the couple. They spoke, but the spider didn't bother to listen.

_Damn it! Is Martha ever gong to come!!?_

Her thought was cut off by the footsteps of the couple. They were walking up the stairs 

_Oh shit!_

They stopped, the male was staring into the many eyes of the spider.

_Um..... Hi?_

*~Bang, bang, bang, bang~* Guns went off

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Ten minutes later.....

The Nemesis was really mad right about now. He felt that the woman of his dreams was out to kill him. The only thing that kept him going was the visualization of those perky bosoms.

_Ahh!!_

He stood atop the roof of the clock tower, attempting to rearrange the numbers on the clock face to say "I Luv U" (he's a very bad speller) Just then a helicopter flew overhead. He ignored it, until it started to fire at him, rapidly. He pictured his woman. "STARSSS!!" a mighty roar was bellowed threw his throat. He jumped down onto a truck and raised his rocket launcher and fired at it. "Oh No!!" he heard a feminine voice call out. He looked down just as the helicopter was about to hit the ground. There she stood, carrying them so gracefully. He grinned. "STARSSS!" she looked up at him and began shooting a magnum. The bullets shot into him, blood splattered everywhere.

_STARSSS!!_

He ran after her, but she didn't cease fire. She just kept shooting and cursing, shooting and cursing, shooting and cursing. After about a minute of running around the Nemesis began to feel that she didn't care about him. He purposely fell down and began to cry. The Nemesis allowed the blood to pour out of him, he didn't want to go on anymore. 

He tilted his head up and watched as his love ran away. "STARSSS." he whispered.

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Thirty minutes later.......

_I'm not going to let her get the best of me anymore. _

The Nemesis was determined. He didn't want to get pushed over anymore. He had his rocket launcher and was ready to kill her. He waited for his love to come. He was in the very Umbrella facility he was created in.

_Home. I sure do miss Mother Wesker._

The door opened. And to his dismay a male Hispanic walked in. Nemesis didn't bother with him. He walked over to the control panel and punched in some keys. He picked up a hand radio and spoke, "Jill, come on let's get out of here. I set the alarm, this place is going to blow." He put the radio away and ran out onto the helipad.

About five or ten minutes later his love, her name appeared to be Jill, walked in. The Nemesis anchored his rocket launcher on his shoulder and was ready to fire. He continued to stare into his Jill's eyes. 

_She's pretty._

His eyes shifted down a few inches.

_Never mind that, she's the sexiest thing in the world!!!!_

"STARSSS!!!!" he said and stepped out of the shadows. Jill gasped and raised her guns. Nemesis had totally forgotten that he was still holding his rocket launcher. She immediately opened fire on him. This time she had a rocket launcher of her own, only smaller. 

The Nemesis got the same sadness in his eyes again. He opened his mouth to say "Hi" but before he could utter a "peep" she changed aim. The Nemesis watched as time seemed to slow, the rocket was heading straight for his head. "STA--".

The Nemesis was no more. Before he died he had one final thought.

_I love you Jill......._

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Seven minutes later......

Four zombies wandered the streets of Raccoon when a giant *~BOOM~* sound filled the air. One of the zombies looked up and said "Ugh." All of the zombies smiled at the thought of.......

_FIREWORKS!!!!_

The zombies started to clap their hands. One of the zombie's hand fell off. The other zombies looked at it, and then began to clap again.

Just then a helicopter flew overhead and an even louder *~BOOM~* arose. "Ugh?" The zombies looked left and saw flames, nothing but flames. "Ugh-oh." The zombies said before they were blasted to bits.

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(( Okay, okay, I know that sucked, but please be easy on the review. It's my first attempt at comedy in Resident Evil. Give me a break. Thanks for reading, and if you want more, just say so in the review. Thanks. ))

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